Longing, Aching, Soul Searching

This video was shown at my Bible Study last Wednesday. I had to walk away from it because it was so heart wrenching. I just finally today was able to watch it.

I wanted to share it with you because I really think it is something we hear about but never actually witness. Francis Chan presents a video of Christians being persecuted in India. Please be warned, it is SO GRAPHIC, but it really gets you thinking. These people BELIEVE in the truth of the Gospel. They GET IT!!! They do not worry about the stupid things we worry about in America. They do not stress about fashion, drinking, vanity, or being over spiritual. They believe in the Living God!

I think the question on my heart has been, "Would I do this?" It is easy to say yes, but after watching this video, my heart is challenged, my mind in confused, and my soul aches.

If you do watch this video, I pray your heart will be challenged to live out your faith. I do not mean to do what these people do necessarily, but I pray that you will be open to God's call on your life.

Click on the link below:
Francis Chan on India

Things that Make me SMILE.......

In light of some hellish couple of weeks, I needed a bit of a reprieve. I was thinking about all the things that make me smile....I thought I would share them with you. Some of them are embarrassing moments, but I am sure that they will make you smile too.

1. This is my number one for sure. Thinking I was Middle Eastern because I am Welsh...OOPS
2. RIDICULOUS dreams- example one- I had a dream I won 6.5 million dollars in vegas. I decided to buy a new car, and a house. Oh and fly my besties home from Vegas with me in a helicopter. Take Two- I had a dream that my little sis was pregnant.....who was the baby daddy? You will never know!!! HAHA SO RANDOM!!! But it made me smile:)
   
3. Gerber Daisies. They are just a smile in a vaseAre they NOT?!?!?!?
   
4. A made bed and a clean house
5. MAIL....that isnt bills.
   
6. Praying with people
7. Hillsong United (especially on Pandora) Super SOLID
8. The smell of puppies
9. Thinking I left my keys at the gym (this happened yesterday) Even though I drove home, I was convinced they were still at the gym.....YIKES
10. A deep conversation about what God is doing
11. Rocket Summers new CD, thanks to FB creeping, I found out they had a new one coming out. Thanks Rarri and Burbs :)
12. My Friends, ALL OF THEM!!!!! I am so blessed to share memories with them
13. Music/Worship there is nothing better than listening to amazing God focused worship
14. The perfect "road trip" quartet! Ps we still never took a senior trip, sad face :(
15. The ocean at sunset
16. The smell of fresh flowers
17. A bubble bath and tea
18. Teaching my family members to "dance"
19. My job and the kids I see
20. Waking up each and every day knowing that no matter what happens, I am still God's Princess and He treasures me!

I hope this brought a smile to your face! I would love to hear what makes you smile:)
I love you all dear readers:)

NOT ME MONDAY

I have a quick one for you tonight! I am tired and have no creative juices flowing...but I do have some other juices flowing.....

I did NOT work out so hard on Saturday with my personal trainer that my legs cant even move!! I certainly also did NOT wish I had one of these.....



while going to the bathroom. Why you might ask???? Because certainly I did NOT stand up to pee like a man because it hurt so bad.

Join me in your embarrassing moments from the week....remember talk about what you did NOT do:)

NOT ME MONDAY (plus dr. update)

Ever do anything dumb and don't really want to share it but you know you must confess? How about making a confession about how imperfect you are, but choose to deny it? Well join me in confessing the things you did NOT do and would NEVER do.

I am a clean freak!! So to live accordingly to that title, I certainly have NOT been fighting a cold and left tissues all over my house. As I look around, there is certainly NOT tissues on my coffee table, floor in my room, in my bathroom and on the kitchen counters. And even more so, there is most certainly NOT a trash bag already filled with tissues in my bedroom I have yet to throw away. And again NEVER would I throw tissues to the bag only to miss it and NOT clean it up.

In light of a crazy weekend, I do NOT have clothes folded on the dryer waiting to be put away. I do NOT have dry clothes exploding out the dryer, and do NOT have a pile of clothes waiting to be washed.

And finally, I do NOT have dishes in the sink from a few days ago. And no, my dishwasher is NOT empty. Really I am NOT that lazy.

I think I have won the prize for dirtiest house! House cleaning (scrubbing) come tomorrow.

***********************UPDATE******************************

I went to the Dr. on friday for my 6 week check up, lab work results and all around follow up. Everything went perfect! My labwork looks normal, I am down 40 POUNDS, and feeling great.

If you read my last post, you know that I have been given an amazing gift from a friend for personal training. I had my first session last night and boy did it kick my butt! I felt SO GOOD. I really like my trainer and he is encouraging yet works me hard! I am so excited to get my body in shape. I even went to the gym tonight to work out. I am feeling great and super motivated.

OK OK OK, now for what I am sure you have been waiting for. MORE PICTURES!!!!! Here they are below. Just a happy note, I have not been able to wear these jeans for a year!

All of You has NEVER left me!

Why have I not written in a while? That is the question I want to answer. I have been so stressed lately!!! So stressed that I can laugh about it, kind of.

Every time I turned around, more things were happening. Mostly things that had to do with money, which is always stressful, unless you are like very few people who actually trust that God will provide. If you are one of these people, I commend you!

I really struggle with trusting God with my finances. I am not really sure why, because after all, it is His money anyway. But I just feel so confident I can manage my own finances, until this week I realized I was, dare I say it, WRONG!

God must care for every part of my life, not just the easy ones. I was so blessed today by a gift in the mail from a dear friend. It is allowing me to pay for what I have always wanted to do, but did not have the money to do. I was blow away just seeing I had mail from her. I asked myself, why does she love me so much? I still dont have an answer to that, but what I do know is that I am truly loved and that God never has left me. Even in my hardest of trials, He is always there to provide, even when you humbly accept a gift from a friend.

I am so in awe of God's mercy and His love for me!

***Tomorrow expect and update from my Dr's appointment today and new pictures:)

At the Feet of Jesus!

***This post is inspired by a conversation I had last night with 2 amazing friends***

I have been challenged on my way of thinking lately. Most of the time that God decides to do this it is not fun. And usually when he is going to challenge me or convict me, some event usually has to take place. This time, it happened to be my complications from surgery. When I know that God is going to speak, I always have a deep unrest but desire to spend time with Him. This time, though I spent a lot of time in the word and reading, I avoided listening to Him. I had a feeling that it would not be something that I wanted to hear. So, in my own rebellion I refused to listen to Him.

Well, though my complications from surgery are diminished, life happened, as it always does.

Things in my life are changing, money is changing, bills are increasing, and to my surprise getting new tires on my car was a must unless I wanted to continue to hydroplane on the freeway like I did last night. I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon cleaning my house. I needed to clean, but partly my motivation was to try to ignore this tugging to spend time with God and in His word. I dont know why I do that, I just was not wanting to listen to Him. Quite frankly, I was a little upset at God for handing me some really hard cards the last few weeks. Dont get me wrong, I can feel God moving for his glory, but sometimes when he moves, I get uncomfortable. Heaven forbid that huh? :)

Well, I did it! I sat down to sing some worship and ask him what he wanted to show me. Daring and scary request. As I was listening to Hillsong, I was drawn to the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. I have read this story so many times, you know....Martha is in the kitchen working while Mary sits lazily at the feet of Jesus. As least that is how I always felt. Martha was doing doing doing to please Jesus and Mary sat at Jesus' feet absorbing all His glory and teaching.

Then I read John 11, which talks about Lazarus dying. After Lazarus had died, Jesus goes to meet Mary and Martha. It is Martha who meets Jesus while Mary stayed at home. This is just my opinion, but I think that Martha met Jesus to be seen, to do something, while I think that Mary was at home praying and petitioning for Lazarus. Again, just my opinion, but Jesus knew where they lived, Martha did not HAVE to meet Jesus. When Mary hears that Jesus is coming, she quickly leaves the house and runs Jesus only to fall at His feet and worship and weep. Again, it was Mary understood the power and majesty of Jesus.

Finally as Jesus goes to the tomb where Lazarus is buried, it is Martha, so concerned with how things appear tells Jesus "Lord for this time there will be an odor, as he has been dead four days." Jesus in all of His grace and mercy shows himself to Martha and the tomb is removed. Jesus could have easily condemned her for not believing or being so concerned with how things appear. What if Jesus had said "youre right, nevermind, sorry Lazarus you have to remain dead because you stink!" But that was not Jesus' concern. His concern was for His people, not the way things appeared. I was BLOWN away by that!

Then it hit me!!!! I AM MARTHA! Sure, I sit and Jesus' feet, absorb His Glory (on my terms), but if I really look hard at my life, I have always been a doer. I dont know if this is what Martha was thinking, but I know that I do do do to try to earn God's love. I enjoy serving, but not always because it is for God's glory, but because it makes me feel good. I like to give back to people, not because God gets recognition, but because I feel worthy. Worthy of God's love, accolades, and grace. What I really need to realize deep in my heart is that regardless of what I do, I still have been given God's love, accolades, and grace.

I desire to sit at God's feet and true desire to know him better, not because it will make me look good or "more spiritual." I am sure there is more to come on this topic because this is only the tip of the iceberg, I think.

Even in our trials, God is moving and always desiring for us to be more like Him, for His glory, not so I can brag about being more holy.

A Fun/ny Day...

I had a fantastic day! Let me break it down for you.....

1. First, My jeans fell off my butt. I just got them out of the dryer! YAHOO!!!! I am excited about this, but they are my favorite jeans.
2. I bought a new dress at Target. First it is so cute, PLUS it was one size smaller than I have been wearing. Did I say how cute it was?
3. I PAID OFF MY CREDIT CARD! I am so so so excited to have paid that off. To the fire pit that credit card goes.
4. This is maybe my favorite of the day....To give you some background, I never ever buy lottery tickets, but last week I decided to spent $3.00 and buy a few lottery tickets. I KEEP WINNING! The first time I won $4.00, then $22.00 bucks (I kept twenty of it and bought 2 more), well I won another $3.00 today. Here is where the story gets GOOD....I went to 7/11 today to cash in my lottery ticket to keep playing. So, I walk in holding my ticket asking to exchange it. The guy asks me "Are you old enough to buy a lottery ticket?" Me: "Are you serious?" Guy: "You bet I am serious, are you even 18?" Me: "Do you want to see my ID, I am 24 years old!" Guy: "Ummm Yeah I need to see that" HAHA can you even believe it? I have NEVER been carded! Well, to make things even better, I won another $8.00!

A day in the life of me can be so FUN!!!!!

More Questions Answered:)

Last week I got a call from my cousin that I have not talked to for years! She called me because she was doing a school project on body image and she wanted me to answer some of her questions about how I see myself. I was really excited to answer her questions. They really got me thinking and I thought I would share them with you.


What made you decide to have the surgery? I had been thinking about doing the surgery for a few years. I did not feel it was the right time until now. About a year ago I met with my doctor to discuss it and he wanted me to do a 6 month supervised diet. Because I was not too successful with the diet, my doctor put in the referral for the surgery. I wanted to go through with the surgery because I wanted a "new start" to my life. I wanted to be able to do the things that "skinny" people do and also really wanted to be healthy. I recognized the consequences of obesity and wanted to take care of that before it got really bad.

How did your family and friends react to you having the surgery?/How did they react to your obesity? My family was very very supportive of me. I think mostly because my dad had the surgery and was successful. In reference to people reacting to me being overweight...my family was always just worried for me. My friends never had an issue with it,as far as I know. :)

Did you regard the surgery as necessary? If so, why? I regarded the surgery as a necessary thing to avoid complications in my life in the future. Being obese holds so many problems. It increases risk of breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease, complications getting pregnant and having children. I do not have any problems now, but felt it was important to do the surgery at 24 with no problems, than have the surgery later in life and have complications.

What was your self-esteem like before surgery? During recovery? After? When I was younger, I did not have the best self esteem. I dealt with trying to be thin in drastic ways and wanted to be "normal" and thin. It was not until I got older and went to college that I really discovered who I truly was and felt beautiful. Since my college career on, I really felt like I had good self esteem. During the recovery, I still felt good about myself and my decision. It was interesting/humbling not to be able to shower everyday and wear makeup and do my hair. Hair and Makeup is not a priority, but knowing that you cant do it because you do not have a lot of energy was a bummer. I really was excited when I felt up to doing it. After surgery, my self esteem stayed the same. It does feel good to have lost weight and feel better, but I know that I am the same person I was before and after surgery.

What has the recovery been like? The recovery post surgery was really easy. I felt like I had done 1000 sit ups and was really really sore, but it was not bad at all. For the first few weeks it was hard to get in all the water and protein. At 3 weeks post op, I did have some complications. I was really dehydrated and ended up in the hospital for a week. I was pumped full of fluids and nutrition. I am still attached to a take home IV called a PICC line that feeds me full of nutrition. Those complications have been hard, but really worth it.

What other weight-loss strategies did you use before deciding to have the procedure? I went on a a TON diets. Here are the following; Weight Watchers 3x, Slim Fast, Diet Pills, Atkins Diet, Weight Counseling, sports,going to the gym

How much and what kinds of reading did/do you do about fat and obesity? I researched a lot about the surgery, but not a lot about obesity. I kind of figured I knew about being obese, I researched about the surgery and everything there was.

What kinds of cultural pressures did/do you feel about your body? I think that living in America, there is always pressures to be thin, and "beautiful." I think there is always pressures to be thin and look your best. In our society, sex sells, and it is always hard to be obese. I think always in the back of mind "would anyone fall in love with me being so big?"

How does the surgery affect your quality of life? I feel so much more disciplined and healthy. I am not to the point where I can "feel" the weight loss and have more energy, but I do know that it will eventually get there.

What’s the history of your being overweight? I have been overweight my whole life. The most weight I have ever lost at one time is 50lbs. I hope to lose 150lbs or more so this will be quite a difference.

What, if any were the social, personal, or professional consequences of your weight? I feel the only thing that has affected me personally is my lack of dating in my life. Also, people judge overweight people and do not hear what they have to say. It has affected me, but also caused me to grow as a person too.

What kinds of expectations do you have about your life post-surgery? I expect to be healthy. I guess that is my only expectation. I know that I will be thin, but I do not know if that is an expectation or not, but I do think eventually I will get thin. That is the result of weight loss surgery.

Do you think it is different to be an overweight woman than to be an overweight man? Absolutely! I think that there is a stereotype that fat women are not beautiful, desirable, or worth anyone's time. In the media, we rarely if ever, see fat women that are the desirable ones. Even movies like "Hairspray" the girl is made fun of for being big and it ultimately ends well, but she is scrutinized. I might be wrong, but I do not see any fat women that are given any positive attention in TV or Movies. Look at all the Disney characters, not large princesses. Barbie,even, has yet to make an overweight doll. They have made all professions, including a Barbie that picks up dog poop. But they have yet to construct an overweight doll. Also, I was told as a kid that "fat people dont do ballet" and "guys are visual people, if you were thin, then you would have a boyfriend. Overweight men, on the other hand, are given leading roles in movies all the time. Kevin James, Vince Vaughn, and others are given leading roles in movies all the time. There is not a huge stigma for overweight men as there is for women. I think partially it is argued that "men are visual people" and do not want women who are fat as they are not desirable.

Are there things about obesity that you think should be addressed in a broad context (not just an individual basis)? If so, what are they and how should they be addressed? I think that anytime obesity is discussed, it should be taken into consideration people who are already obese. Often times when it is discussed in school systems, it is not approached as a typical "disorder" or problem but still in the school systems, obesity is looked down upon. Additionally, I think on a global basis, people on the outside feel like they have a "right" to comment about people who are fat. Or they have a right to "encourage" them to go to the gym, eat healthier, talk to them about dieting. There is some weird reason that people feel like can comment on someone's weight.

You said that you researched the surgery extensively but not obesity. Why did it seem important to find out about the operation but not the condition (i.e. the history of and theory about obesity)? I guess I did not decided to research a lot about obesity itself because It was always addressed in school. I guess that without actively researching it, I knew a lot about the causes of obesity, history ect.

You mention that people don't take fat people seriously, or listen to what they have to say. Do you have more to say about that? (it seems to me that there is a stereotype of fat people as stupid/lazy/undisciplined etc. what do you have to say about that?) I totally hear the stereotype that fat people are lazy and undisciplined. I would not fully say that there is a stereotype about them being stupid, but for sure lazy! For me, I always heard people say to me "you would lose weight if just went to the gym." I was going to the gym and working out. I was trying to lose weight. I truly believe that being fat is partially discipline, but totally genetic! I do feel like since I dont feel heard often, I do end up being really loud and boisterous. I like that about myself, but as we search deeper inside, I think it is partially due to the fact that I never felt "heard"

I hope that you got to know me more through my answers. Have more questions? Just post them on the comments section and I will answer them:)

I think we have come to an end...

With a late night scare trip to the ER last night, an infected PICC line, a yeast infection on my arm, and another $100 copay, I am happy to say, as far as I know, this crazy struggle is OVER!!!!

I went to the ER last night with really bad pain on the insertion site of the PICC line and some pain in my shoulder. After a dose of antibiotics, benadryl, and a TON of bloodwork, I was sent home to follow-up with my Dr.

I went to the doctor today and he made the decision to pull the PICC line! YAHOO!!!!! I no longer have that darn thing in my arm! I am so so so glad to be free from the huge burden of the PICC line.

Below are pictures of everything that was included in preparing my nutrition bag for the PICC line. I had to do this every day! The first night, with this PICC line in, I had to sit and listen to a woman train me on it for 3 HOURS!!!!

Above from the top left: hand sanitizer, heparin, saline flush, small syringe for vitamin C, large syringe for multivitamins, small needle to filter out the glass from the vitamin C vial, tubing to wire from the TPN (nutrition) to the pump, to my arm, blood sugar monitor, batteries, nutrition pump, alcohol swabs, multivitamins, vitamin C

This is the fluid that was continually pumping in my veins. One bag per 24 hour period. I had to carry it around. Do not be deceived, this thing is 5 pounds to carry around on your shoulder all day long!

This is my blood sugar monitor that I had to prick my finger 2x a day to monitor my blood sugar. I was really blessed that it was within normal limits. If it wasn't I would have had to give myself insulin like I did in the hospital following my GBP.

I still have the yeast infection on my arm, but am on medicine for that and it should go away within the next few days. I was going to add a picture, but I decided to save your stomachs.

YOU ARE WELCOME:)

I am so excited to have my life back and rejoice in the fact that this trial is over!!!!