For me, this tug comes directly from the Holy Spirit and normally I am more than willing to go where he tells me to go. Remember this post where I was called to quit my job? Sure I was scared, but God moved and I knew He would. God is continuing to reveal why he had me quit my job and move home to get out of debt, but that is not the purpose of my post today.
As I type this, I sit in Starbucks waiting to check into a hotel in San Diego for my brother's wedding. I am sitting here actually debating typing this post. I know that I have to be obedient in all things and I really feel I am supposed to write.
To be honest, I have had blogger's block. I have had all these ideas to blog about mostly "funny" things....at least things that I find funny, but I have been burdened by this thing stirring in my heart.
Let me explain....I am probably one of the most secretly prideful and independent people on the planet. (Ok to some, this is no big secret!) I think that I know everything about how my life should end up and I don't need any one's help....sadly sometimes I feel like I don't even need God's help.
I know what you are probably thinking...."wow this girl sucks" or maybe even "why is she sharing this? She should keep it to herself." But my dear readers, this post is not a post to tell you who I am and that I am going to stay complacent in this. God is stirring in my heart and I don't like it!
To cope and sustain my issues of pride and independence I have built up walls around my heart. Because of things that have happened in my life, I am scared to open up, scared to let go. Don't get me wrong, to "guard your heart" as it talks about in Bible is an important thing. We must guard are hearts from things that are impure, and we hear it most to "guard your heart" in relationships. When I think of a guard, I think about a person allowing the right things to come in and out. So in terms of guarding our heart, I think about consciously allowing things in and out of our heart.
Sadly, this is not what I have done. I do not guard my heart but put up walls. Walls, on the other hand, are not meant to allow things in and out, but to keep all things out. Practically speaking, it is much easier to build a wall and walk away than to guard something. To guard your heart, one must always be prepared to discern what should be let in and out. To build a wall, everything stays out and for me, this is MUCH easier.
This is where I have been for longer than I would like to admit and God is trying with all of his might to break down my walls of pride and independence and show me that He wants to be that guard for my heart. But in order for Him to be able to do that, I must allow Him.
So what does that practically look like for me? First off, I had to learn to let go of the notion that I know what is best for my life. Reality is, I don't know what is best, but I was created by Someone who does. I must consciously allow God to lead me and guide me. I must be "patient in tribulation and constant in prayer" as Romans 12:12 says. I must allow God to come to rescue and not think I can do it all by myself.
I am pretty confident that if I let go of my pride, I will have to let go of my independence. I know that I will recognize even more how much I need to be dependent on God and also, to a certain degree, be dependent on other people. This is scary because of my own life experiences it is so hard for me to trust people. What I do know is that God loves me and wants to bless me with no strings attached. I must also learn that people who love God also want to love and bless me, no strings attached.
I know that this is not going to be easy or fun. I am scared, uneasy, and in foreign territory but know that I will come out better on the otherside. So here it is my friends....God's wounded, stubborn and independent princess is letting it all go!
I know this will not be a quick and easy process and I know that I may not perfect it, but it may be something that God continues to walk me through, but He is faithful and loves his children.
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his merices never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is your faithfullness."
Lamentations 3:22-23
NO you do not suck, YOU ARE HUMAN! And brave fro writing about what I am pretty sure all of us struggle with! Trusting God with our WHOLE HEART and depending on Him to protect us!
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking lately about how much I have to learn about myself and why God created me the way He did. One of the things I struggle with about myself is learning how to discern what to take in and what to guard against- just what you were writing about in your post. I have to remind myself every day how much He loves me and wants the best for me! But I can do things to help myself as well- surround myself with people who I trust, who love me, speak truth to me, walk beside me.
I do know that if you have a wall up all the time, you are missing out on great opportunities for God to show and grow you! It is scary, because we all have been hurt in the past. Learn from in and decide what things, people, situations to avoid to help guard your heart.
love you!